I am deeply depressed but i don't want to feel better- what is wrong with me?

It sounds like you : Have become comfortable in your rut. Here is the problem - if you don't want to fix the problem it won't get fixed. Depression is a very treatable condition. People with depression often become pessimistic and don't think that they can get better. You deserve to have more of a life than suffering. However, you ultimately will need to make the decision.