Partner was murdered 2 years and lost house ,developed eating disorder and unable to work. feel,suicidal which is selfish but just can't move ward ?

It is so hard: You've been through very painful sad experiences. You deserve and hopefully will find support to help you find a way to move ahead. I see no reason to think of suicidal thoughts as 'selfish' - it may be hard to imagine solutions and hard to find energy to do what needs to be done. Find a therapist you can trust - there are (sadly) experienced grief counselors who help people thru such feelings.

Please: find a good qualified therapist or psychiatrist to see you to help with these feelings and or to be able to provide appropriate medication or therapy