I know i have some mental disorders & have been suicidal for a few years. but i don't want help. so is it just me or is there a reason for this?

Depression: People who are depressed often don't want help because they feel apathetic and hopeless and can't imagine that there's a real possibility of ever feeling better. But depression is highly treatable. You could be feeling better in a few weeks. Please understand that your judgment is seriously, dangerously clouded right now and put yourself in the hands of a good psychiatrist right away!