My spouse died from aids and the complications of it. i had no idea he had a sexual experience with a gay massage person. i hate him and i miss him?

Sorry for your loss.: These circumstances are compounded by the secrets untold. As his partner, if you haven't done so, you need to be tested. Was your husband on treatment? Currently, deaths from HIV disease are much more uncommon since therapy is usually quite effective. Hiv/aids is now a chronic disease like diabetes and hypertension in many ways. Again, sorry for your loss and your ambivalence.

He loved you: Are you angry that he died or because he was intimate with someone else? Growing up gay in your generation was near impossible and it is hard to blame someone for hiding this truth back then. You wouldn't miss him if you didn't love each other. Remember that and forgive everything else. Then move on with your life cause you are the one still standing and he'd want you to be happy. and get HIV test