Years trying to find purpose to no avail. years of professional help. why is suicide considered wrong? shouldn't personal opinion matter?

Keep trying: One reason, aside from cultural and religious prohibitions against suicide, that we try to protect individuals from taking their lives is that when one is in the midst of a severe depression, he/she is not able to critically and fully evaluate his/her circumstances and decision-making is impaired. I urge you to continue seeking solutions and reaching out for help for your depression.

Depression: I can understand your frustration, I have seen patients who have seen several therapists before me to no avail. Often times the match just isn't right. I would encourage you to ask friends, doctors, clergy for a new referral. You have a good sense of the type of person you need, trust your judgement and pursue another option. Your life is valuable even though you may not see this currently.

Hope: U most likely were mismatched with previous therapists. Consult close friends or family for referral to a mental health professional for a fresh start. Never lose hope. You are not alone in this predicament. Also, group therapy is essential.

Personal opinion: Your personal opinion does matter. Yet, if you're still actively drinking, this will skew your state of mind -- making the opinions you express, unreliable. Suicidal feelings are very complex, and your life has most likely been painful enough to make these understandable. But since you're still here at age 40, you must have some mixed feelings also. May you find peace between these poles.