How come i find violence fascinating even though it deeply disturbs me?

Repitition Compulsio: There is no one answer for this. You would need to explore this in therapy to truly find out. But, often we are drawn to things that harm us or have harmed us in the past. This is referred to as a repetition compulsion, or a compulsion to repeat. It's a hint from your psychological mind that you need to work through something.