Constantly anxious (pan. attacks) about "breaking rules". i think i make up most of these rules. what are possible reasons? s/abused as a child...

Good insight: You have good insight about your own possibly making up rules, perhaps well-practiced from a young age with your family. This is very common in people with histories of abuse. Working with your own therapist can help you discover more about this, and help you recover. Trying to do it all by yourself is more lonely than you need to be, and can leave you spinning your wheels. Good luck to you.

Anxiety: There is no way for us to know the reasons you do this. Each person is unique. We are shaped by our genetics and our pasts. I think this merits exploring in a therapeutic setting. Your abuse as a child may be a contributor. Be well.