I want bad things happen to like bad accedent or big trauma, idont have a reason to deserve punishment& i never pretended to be sick what can i do plz?

I am not sure: I fully understand your statement but would highly recommend you visit a psychiatrist and explains these thoughts more clearly to them. I think they will be helpful to you, good luck.

Self destructive: You need to seek counciling regarding your self destructive desires. No one should be in pain either emotional or physical. I sincerely hope you do not have a plan to implement or act on. Please seek medical attention. Thank you for sharing your thoughts no small undertaking.