All anti dep & anti anxiety meds I've checked are incompatible w tramadol. It seems Valium or adavan are my only alternative. Agree? Any I've missed?

Tramadol is tricky. Tramadol interacts with many meds. Even combined with Valium or Ativan (lorazepam) there's a risk of cns/respiratory depression and psychomotor impairment. With most antidepressants there's a risk of serotonin syndrome too. If you must stay on tramadol, consider tricyclic antidepressants like imipramine. Sedation and serotonin syndrome are possible, but can be monitored by your doctor.
Disagree. While it is more likely for you to experience more sleepiness or a rare side effect called serotonin syndrome (with severe muscle stiffness and delirium), those side effects can be monitored by your doctor and the dose of the medications for your anxiety/depression can be kept low. Theedications you listed as alternatives can have ther own side effects, including becoming addicted to them.
Tramadol. It seems like you are trying to treat yourself, and you struggle with both - pain, depression, and anxiety. There are too many enemies you are trying to fight alone. 1. There are antidepressants which could also help with pain, and you may not even need tramadol ( you probably already get used to and need more than before) 2. Tramadol may cause depression itself 3. Anxiety (anticipation of pain?).