Fear of gaining weight obsession with food weight loss calorie counting, depression, low self esteem, self harm, preoccupation with food what is this?

Fear and Depression. This is something that you seek professional help for, to help you figure it out. Depression sounds like the main thing here, and is causing everything else to feel even worse. There is help available for this. Contact your family doctor first, and then you can have your doctor recommend a counselor. I would do this sooner than later. You really can get over this!
Anorexia. Anorexia nervosa. It requires psychiatric treatment with someone interested in that problem or a center catering to such patients. There is hope and there is help. Don't give up..

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Am I depressed? My symptoms are: sleep disturbance, low self esteem, always shaky, poor concentration, thoughts of self harm/ death, feeling worthless

Time to get help. You are describing a condition that appears to meet diagnostic criteria for a clinical depression, and this warrants a recommendation for a consultation with your doctor right away. Depressive disorders are very common and there are multiple psychotherapeutic, as well as excellent medications approved by FDA. Do not wait and consult with your doctor. Read more...